Question of the Week: Thanksgiving Edition

If you could have Thanksgiving dinner with any band, which would it be, and why?

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Musical Etiquette: No, You Can't Join the Band.

Dear Musical Etiquette:
So, we've been looking for a new drummer for a while. We posted on Craigslist that we were looking and I'm starting to think it might have been a mistake. Every no talent assclown has shown up at our practice space looking to "get their break". This one dude in particular keeps responding with new email addresses and showing up with his half ass Wal-mart drum kit and refusing to leave. I can't take it anymore. What am I supposed to do about this?

XXXXX

I often caution about being a dick. In general it's a bad practice. It can leave you with a bad reputation and generally screw your life up before you even notice. This particular specimen, however, deserves being yelled at. If you've told him no repeatedly and he continues to show up, he's not being persistent, he's being a douche. The fact is, he's wasting your time and keeping you guys from being able to get back to what you're supposed to be doing. Which is playing music. Not dealing with douches.

Be Clear
Now I don't know the particulars of what you said to your terrible tryout but if there's one thing I know it's that clear communication can resolve a great number of problems before they even mature. If you're trying out a new drummer and he can't play what you need him to, tell him clearly. Let's look at some examples.

• "You're just not what we're looking for." This is weak language. There's no reason to spare people's feelings. If they can't cut it, they can't cut it. Be direct, be honest and try not to be mean.

• "Look, honestly man. Your bongo skills are very little use to our speed metal band." Better! Direct! Remember to be specific about the reasoning behind your decisions.

• "I just don't think you'll work out." No. That's too vague. Be SPECIFIC.

• "You've been playing drums for two weeks. I don't think you can keep up with us guy." Good, good. It's harsh but honest.

• "Uhhhh, you haven't been able to keep any beat all night. I think we're gonna pass." Perfect.

So you can see it's a good idea to be forthright with these people. If a drummer can't keep a rhythm, what are they doing there? Which leads me to my next point.

Record Everything
In almost every situation it's a good idea to record every practice. Those random plastered moments playing reggae covers of TV on the Radio songs might lead to some serious inspiration. You never know....
This is especially true when you're trying out new folks in the band as you can listen to the session afterwords and make a well informed decision. In the case of someone who really doesn't fit the sound at all or just can't hack what you're trying to play you can play it back for them and give them examples of what you're talking about.

Now, there's a real difference between someone who doesn't fit the style and someone who just plain sucks. It's about substance and style.

Style:

• A guitarist shows up with his nylon guitar to your thrash lead tryouts
• Mr. 1980's synth player wants to be in your retro-folk trio
• Bongo Bob wants in on your electro-pop project.
• The Prog-Metal Prodigy thinks he can play country.

Substance:

• The Noodler, a guitarist who can't resist soloing at inappropriate times.
• This bass player who doesn't own a bass.... ?
• A singer with really flat pipes. Flat like Florida. Flat like a table
• Bad rappers. Just really awful rappers. Oh gods, people can suck so bad at rap and not know it.

Differences always arise and the decision is yours to make. It's your band and if you don't want to play with someone it's your prerogative. I think as long as you're clear with people than you can't really be faulted for saying no. Some people just don't get though.

Leave Now Guy
I always see these parallels between dating and bands. This holds true when you're rejecting people. Some of them have been around for a while and take it all in stride. Some people will cry and whine and be extremely pathetic. Some people just get obsessed and keep signing up for new Hotmail addresses like some kind of V1A6ra spammer and won't leave you the fuck alone. Show up at your house without calling. Leave dead things on your doorstep. Don't let this turn into a news story. Nip it in the bud.

If they just don't get it you can always;

• File a restraining order: It might not be the rock and roll thing to do, but if it works for crazy ass exes, it'll work for these people.

• Yell: If it worked for your alcoholic stepfather, it'll work for you.

• Threaten them with some large blunt object: I always find that people respond well to the threat of immediate bodily harm. Sometimes the threat is all that's needed.

• Break an instrument over their heads: Of course, if they call your bluff; be prepared to cash that check you just wrote. A little time in lockup might stain your criminal history, but hey, one problem at a time.

• Hire Ninjas: You'd be surprised how many problems can be solved with the judicious application of these stealthy warriors.

• Hire Vikings: Not as subtle as the ninjas but just as effective. You may want to keep some gold on hand to pay them, though rare furs will do in a pinch.

• Punch Them In The Dick: Enough said.

Violence and yelling aren't often the solution to your problems, but in this instance I'd say a little measured aggression won't serve you wrong. Honestly, without using peoples genitals as punching bags or hiring ancient assassins to get the job done, being direct and honest with people will get the message across and hopefully spare you a recurring douche bag problem. If all else fails you, there's always a legal option. Or if you're me, you'll summon Demon Ninjas from Beyond to harass them at all times.

Legal Notice: Crappy Indie Music absolves itself of all responsibility for the use of this article up to and including the accidental punching of dicks, demonic possessions or hurt feelings.

Till next time!
Eriq Nelson

Musical quandaries? Awkward situations? Keep sending me those problems folks! musicaletiquette@gmail.com

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Musical Etiquette: At The Grocery Store

Dear Musical Etiquette:
I was walking through the grocery store the other day and ran into XXXX from XXXX shopping! I was so nervous, but I walked up and said hi anyway. I told him I was his biggest fan ever and gave him my demo CD. Good thing I keep some on me! He didn't really talk to me, he just sort of stared at the CD, said thanks and kept on walking. Did I do something wrong here? Why would he ignore me? I'm his biggest fan, I've been to like every show!

Help! XXXXX


The answer is yes, you did do something wrong. See, the thing is, your local celebrity is a human being. I know it's sometimes hard to see, but this guy just probably just wanted to get his grocery shopping done and go home. At the risk of sounding rude, I must inform that you're being annoying. You see, the grocery store is one of those times where he just gets to be normal and boring and to someone who spends a great deal of time on stage and under the lights, it's a great relief. You just shattered his illusion that he is just a normal guy, buying food and deodorant.

It's a Job
You must realize that being in a band is a job. It's true. His role in the band is what he does for a living, even if it's not a full time job. So walking up to him in the grocery store and slobbering all over him is akin to someone walking up to you and demanding a spreadsheet of your time clock entries, or being told to make a sandwich. He's not "on the clock" right now. Don't expect him to jump up and down and thank you profusely for interrupting him while he's trying to select the right breakfast cereal. A few brief words introducing yourself, a handshake and an appreciative compliment is sufficient. Please, don't give out demos for your band or try and set up a show here in the cereal isle. If you're really interested and you think you've got a good chance to work together, feel free to give them your card and leave them in peace.

Quit slobbering
Frankly, this sort of worshipful fawning over someone at the grocery store is demeaning to you and can be very uncomfortable to the person you're worshiping. If you're really trying to impress this person with your music, act like a human being. Granted, there are people who enjopy this kind of attention and they are hollow, insecure shells and you probably belong together. If you are convinced that they will enjoy this kind of attention then don't do it halfway. Have a chorus of singers behind you, offer burned sacrifices, light candles and chant, waft incense over their body as you sing their praises. I mean really do it up. Offer them your first born child, show off that tattoo you got of their first album cover artwork, read them that tear stained poem in your back pocket you wrote in the darkest hour of your life for them. Worship them wholly and fight the police when they show up.

Be People
If you really are interested in this person that you worship so much, talk to them about food. Share a recipe, comment on the quality of their selections, amuse them with an anecdote about what they're buying. You'd be surprised by their reaction to it. A great deal of "famous" people lose the opportunity to have honest dialogue with random people and it's nice for them to not worry about being that guy on stage. When you approach someone, remember that they are a stranger. No matter how much you think you know about that person from their songs, you really don't know this person at all.

OK, Now You're Good
There are good times to drop a CD in someone's hand, or pay them more than a passing compliment on their work. A musician that just got off stage, is signing CDs or posters or is at an industry event is more than open to hearing about how much their art inspires you, makes you cry or fills your enpty life with meaning. This is the time they put aside to hear this kind of thing and interact with their fans. It's not wise to take up too much of their time still, remember you're a stranger and you don't have the right. So just play it cool, say what you want to and move on.

Please don't be offended if their is a luke warm reaction to your demo or contact information. Successful musicians deal with hundreds of people every day and if you meet them after a really long day they might not be in the best of moods. Don't be pushy, don't be rude. Just remember that they're people too and they have lives that don't involve music. Let the man shop.

Till next time!
Eriq Nelson

Send me your inquiries and horror stories at musicaletiquette@gmail.com

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Musical Etiquette: Dealing with haters

Hello Musical Etiquette:
I just read a review of our bands last show. The guy who wrote it is obviously some kind of asshole. He just went on and on about how lifeless we were on stage.
What should I do about this guy? He's ruining our reputation!

Help!
XXXXXX


Criticism is one of the most important parts of music. A well thought out critique of your music can be insightful and help to improve your abilities in almost every fashion. Sadly, many critics fail to realize the merits of criticism and instead say the most unspeakably vile and contemptuous things about your work without offering up any advice or real insight. Any publicly performing artist will deal with both of these types of criticism during their careers and it can be challenging to see the difference between them. At times even the most mean spirited critique of your art may be of a deep and abiding value if you can see the meaning underneath the words. Likewise high praise can be trite and meaningless if it does not contain real truth and an honest evaluation of the work. The line between a critic and a hater is very blurry sometimes but with some knowledge and patience, you can learn to tell the difference.

You're The One Who Stepped Out On Stage.
If you make art, you're going to have to deal with criticism. If you don't want to open yourself up to the rest of the world's opinions it's best to never play live, never release a recording and not let anyone hear what you're up to. The only way to stop people from expressing their opinions is to ensure that they never hear you in the first place. Well, that seems like a terrible idea to me. You want to be heard, why else are you making noise? Remember that you take personal responsibility for the act of stepping out on that stage and playing music. No one can force you to play. If you are unable or unwilling to listen to the unending stream of hate that humanity can generate at will, I suggest you find a less public pursuit.

Don't Be A Whiny Little Bitch!
Now that you've come here under the bright lights of the stage, please don't whine about how bright they are. I know how harsh it can be, but making music isn't for wimps. You need to develop a tough skin when you're looking at reviews of your work but remain open to real critique. Please, don't cry and moan about how hateful people can be, we all know. Responding to what you deem a hateful review in an equally juvenile manner can generate some seriously bad press and the fact is, you don't want to stoop to their level. The best thing to do is to give no credence to the babbling inane hatred of an unsophisticated reviewer. Ignore them, it's just noise. And please don't bitch about it. Bitching is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it won't get you anywhere.

There Are Haters Everywhere.
The truth of the matter is, there are a lot of opinionated people out there and some of them are world class assholes. They will pan your work as meaningless drivel, a waste of their time or an insult to the word music. They will hate on you night and day, at parties and at home, on the internet and in print. Haters will invent new words to describe just how awful you are at what you do. Some of these hateful bastards have jobs being Professional Haters with major media corporations and get paid quite well to shit on other people's dreams. Most of these assholes are just as mean spirited and spiteful in the rest of their lives and in all probability are miserable because of it. Take solace in the fact that most haters hate themselves as well and haven't experienced joy in many years.


Sometimes The Haters Are Right, Sometimes They're Just Haters.
The primary difference between a hater an a critic is in intent and delivery. A reviewer may describe a live show as "An utter failure to be alive on stage, it was like watching zombies fuck to the tune of early 90's shoegaze." So is this being a hater or a critic? It's about context. If you and your band mates lack any kind of real stage presence than it may be a valid critique of your performance. True, it's couched in negative language and could be construed as mean spirited but if it's true, it's true. There might be nicer ways of saying it but no one is obligated to be nice. Real hate can do better than that. "A useless waste of my fucking time, I have never seen a band suck that hard on stage." What's really useless is an insult without insight. What can a band gain from this statement? Nothing, this guy is just a Grade A Dickwad.

Be Your Own Best Critic.
The key in many situations is to be able to see the difference between useless hate and honest feedback and attempt a objective view on what you've achieved or failed to achieve. This can be exceedingly difficult given the fundamentally personal and emotional nature of art and requires considerable experience and hard work. If you are truly interested in improving on your music, you must learn to become your own critic. Spend some time each day listening to what you've done as an outsider. Imagine that you've never heard this piece before and listen to it with a fresh mind. I've found that leaving several days between the writing of a new song and listening to it can do wonders for your perspective. Once you've gained some experience in critiquing your own work it becomes easier to separate the haters from the critics.

Pay Attention To Real Critique.

Not everyone is a hater. There are plenty of people that craft meaningful an insightful reviews of music, live and recorded. These are true critics. They might not always like what you're doing musically but they can express the reasons behind their opinion clearly. It is an art form. It is said that critics are all failed musicians. This is simply not true. Haters are failed musicians. A true critic is the most successful kind of artist. One who has a direct line to their feelings and can express them lucidly and with the intention of improving a fellow musicians work. One's success as an artist cannot be measured in dollars or listeners. It is measured in your ability to express emotions directly to your audience and to some extent your technical ability. This holds true for music criticism as well.

Keep those haters where they belong kids. In the trash.
Eriq Nelson.

Drop me a line at musicaletiquette@gmail.com

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Musical Etiquette: Quitting The Band

Playing in a band is an exciting adventure at times. You can see the backs of a thousand shitty dives up and down the coast, learn more about the inner working of cargo vans than you ever thought possible and find out just how long you can go without a shower. You'll learn new meanings for the word "drama", find out just how much money can be sunk into studio time and equipment you don't need. There's playing music sometimes, and that's nice.

Being in a band is like having an intimate relationship with a whole group of people at the same time. There's passion and heartbreak, fights and passive-aggressive notes being left, smiles and laughing and sometimes things just fall apart completely. Breaking up with someone you're seeing is hard but breaking up with your band is harder, you have to split up with a whole bunch of people at the same time.

Bands fall apart for all kinds of reasons, these are just a few:


Clashing styles:

• You're a tango accordion player in a mathy hardcore band.

• The drummer is convinced that 7/3/16 is the only tempo for dance music.

• You wanted to play in a punk band and you find yourself covering the Lord Of The Rings score on modified Gameboys.

Pure boredom:

• It's 2009 and the lead guitarist thinks that Oasis covers are still your best material.

• You've been practicing regularly for three years and you've almost finished your first song.

• The set list you wrote up in high school is still taped to your pedalboard because it's never been updated. You're now 47 years old.

Personality Conflicts:

• You're a conservative Christian in a Satanic black metal band.

• No matter what you say about lyrics, you're always wrong.

• You've been shot at, more than once, during arguments with the bass player.

Crazy Motherfuckers:

• Your drummer recently changed his name to "Sir Pants" and has taken to carving his initials on people in the band with flatware.

• Animal sacrifice has become a regular part of the practice routine in your pop act.

• There are three dogs that have been added as "Band Managers" to your lineup. You've never seen these dogs before.

Drug use:

• The needles littering the practice space are so thick you need armored boots to walk through it. So do the dogs.

• Your band mates are injecting Drano into their veins. Drug use is one thing, but come on people. That's not even a drug.

• Every piece of equipment you own has been freebased by the rest of the band.

As you can see, it's time to quit the band. There are good and bad ways to quit a band. You can force the issue and get kicked out! It's a bad way to get out of the situation but if you never want to speak to these people ever again it can be very effective. Now I don't recommend it, but punching everyone in the face will generally see you out the door of the practice space with a minimum of discussion. Other ways to get booted include stabbing a band member in the head, pawning all the gear, deleting the bands Myspace page, getting drunk and burning down the practice space or having sex with every single member's beau in a giant orgy.

Less extreme ways of quitting, but still bad include quitting by Myspace, Facebook, text message, phone or e-mail. Honestly, it's a dick move and it will leave a lot of bad feelings behind. It's far better to be face to face and be honest with the other folks in the group. I recommend inviting everyone to a dinner, a bar or your house to discuss the issues. Be calm and honest, tell everyone exactly why you need to go and please, don't cry. If you're unsure of your reasons or you're not completely convinced that you need to leave then you need to rethink why you're here in the first place. Don't use leaving the band as an attention getting mechanism or as the only way you can talk about tough issues that arise.

Yelling at your band mates won't help the situation at all. Give them your reasons for leaving and be very clear about what led you to this decision. If there is commonly owned equipment or financial issues to be resolved, leave that for a later time. It's a tough situation and it requires dealing with some very angry emotions but if you ever want to patch it up later or interact with these musicians on a social level on it's best not to leave them standing in a pile of shitty feelings and broken equipment.

Thanks for listening!
Eriq Nelson

Questions about Musical Etiquette? Send me your quandaries at musicaletiquette@gmail.com

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how much is too much ...how much is TMI....

so, last Wednesday night the mighty fab (more than four) Voxtrot came out to the West Coast again...and despite the post-flood roads and I-5 closures, the band made their gig at the Hawthorne Theatre.

Their songs are the the good kind of treacle ...
the songs are the reflective, exploratory, daring, retro-fresh and sincere....
not to sound oddly cliched, but if ya like the Beatles and a solid evening of indie twee dance tunes with meaty moments of truth and honesty...then certainly... Czech them out!

They are nice and friendly lads, chaps that you could entrust your puppy with...the kind of music to swirl around the room whilst danlging on a line of sentiment....spooning 'round,"Baby I'd leave you for the person you used to be ..."

Indeed.... sink your teeth into something inspired!

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