Musical Etiquette: Be Kind To Retail Drones

Dear Musical Etiquette:
I work at a local music store and I've got some problems with my customers. They come in and treat me like I have no idea what I'm talking about. I've been working here for ten years and I play in three different local bands. Please help me with these people. I can't take it any more.

XXXXXX

I am a founding member of the Society For The Ethical Treatment of Retail Drones so I'm considered an expert in the field and I'm thrilled to have this opportunity to share some of my experiences with you. The SETRD was founded by a like minded group of ex-Retail Drones in the summer of 2004 and acts as an advocacy organization to promote the proper understanding and appreciation of the foundation of this capitalist nightmare. Though they are the lowest rank of Drone, they serve a vital purpose in the acquisition of Shiny New Things and the onus is upon us to treat them kindly.

Alright people it's time to learn how to treat your Retail Drones. Despite their appearances, they're people too. There's a whole lot you don't know about them and if you take to time to find out, it'll make you appreciate them a whole lot more. So let's start with that basic fact, and we'll work out from there.

They're People.
Sometimes we forget this, we pass our whole day treating people like ATMs and never really stop to see who they are. In general, this is a harmful and dissociative practice that can do a lot of harm to your world view. In particular treating your Music Retail Drone like this makes you miss out on one of the best resources there is. I don't know about you but I don't spend all day reading up on the latest pickups and amp heads out there. Even when I'm getting ready to buy new gear, I haven't hit every resource there is and it's nice to hear an informed opinion on what I'm buying.

Morons.
On the balance, these folks are informed. You might find one or two slack jawed yokels drooling behind the counter of your local guitar shop but I can guarantee you, they wont last long. Managers and owners of music shops know that they have picky, self important customers who demand only the best of service. They will cater to you and these idiots won't last more than a week in a good shop. If they're still around after a couple weeks you're either dealing with a really dumb owner or flat out nepotism. I'd say avoid these shops, it'll just piss you off in the end. You can judge a music shop wholly by the quality of the counter staff.

Information Available Here.
Now that we've eliminated the true dross of the retail world, what we're left with are some incredibly well informed people and for the most part they're willing to share that information. The real key is respect. If you respect their knowledge, then they're more likely to help you out. Don't be condescending to them and don't act like you know more than they do unless you really do. On a similar note, don't be shy. If you hand built your own distortion pedal and you can keep up with that conversation, geek on my friend, geek on. Even if you're not deeply knowledgeable in the area of their expertise, it does you well to have some familiarity with the topic. Do some background research first, familiarize yourself with the topic and you'll get past the first layer of Retail Drone defenses.

Let's Be Friends.
There is nothing better than a friend at the music shop. They'll clue you in on choice used gear, tell you about sales and clearance items and occasionally sleep on your couch. The vast majority of people who sell instruments are musicians and they've often been doing it for a long time. You can pick up a lot of really valuable information from these folks. If you're just getting to town it's one of the best places to meet other musicians and get a feel for the place. Even if they're not going to be your best man at your fifth wedding, or help you bury a body, keeping a good relationship up with the people at the shop is key. Especially when you're in need of repairs.

Retail Drones are easy to understand if you think about how their day goes. The vast majority of retail life is spent in a mindless haze answering boring questions about prices so striking up a conversation about the relative merits of hum-bucking pickups really will brighten their day. If you can wake up a Retail Drone from their slumber you'll find that there's a human being under all that boredom and they are honestly willing to talk to you. So be kind to your Retail Drone and they'll be kind to you. Remember though, sometimes people are just having a shitty day and there is honestly nothing you can do to make them interested. Also, some people are just dicks. There's not much you can do about that one.

Eriq Nelson.

Keep 'em coming folks! musicaletiquette@gmail.com

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Musical Etiquette: Approaching A Label

Hey Musical Etiquette:
I've just wrapped up the mastering on my latest album, XXXXX. I've been sending demos out to a bunch of different labels and I haven't heard anything back. I've been sending full press kits, demos, glossies, DVDs and t-shirts to every label I can think of and I haven't heard anything back. What's going on here? Why haven't any of these labels written me back?

Help! XXXXXX

Approaching any record label, corporate or indie, requires a deft hand. You are entering into the mysterious paradox of humility and arrogance that is music promotion. Often times the path seems unclear, should you send a follow up? How long should you wait? Should you send a full album or just some samples? Should you send a video along? How about a hat? Approaching a label is like courting a lady. Every one is different and you will need some experience and confidence to get this done. A fur coat isn't going to impress PETA girl.

Indie labels in many regards are no different than huge, soul sucking, evil corporate monstrosities. They both publish and promote music and are constantly looking to expand on their catalog. An Indie label generally has two or three people working part time and digging through your full press kit is simply not a priority. They have to answer email, go out and buy lunch, ship product and go to the restaurant to pull some extra shifts to make rent. Giant Art Destroying Corporation has just as busy of a schedule, but it looks very different. A major label rep has to set up appearances on the Disney Channel for their latest Clone Rock band, testify in a copyright infringement hearing against a three year old with the wrong IP address and kick at least a dozen puppies before lunch. Suffice to say, puppies don't kick themselves and Mr. I'll Sign Anything That's Called "Core" is very busy.

First Off, Fuck Major Labels.
The fact is you don't want to sign to the One Label To Rule Them All. Take it from me, you'll never achieve anything remotely close to artistic or financial success on that sinking ship. Stick to the indies, they'll treat you like a human being and you won't be crying yourself to sleep every night. Besides, the chances that one of these dinosaurs will notice you is directly proportionate to the amount of beautiful, absurdly trendy looking people that comprise your act. Unless you're prepared to completely reinvent your clothing, sound, lifestyle, ethics, equipment, finances, family, and hairstyle you're better off without these people running your life. Honestly, fuck these people. So let's get you signed to an indie label.

Postal Etiquette.
Look, this is really about music. It's not about how much money you've spent on things that end up in the recycle bin. If you've ever seen the inbox of an indie label you'd understand why. It is a never ending stream of posters, promos, announcements, solicitations and weird shit that makes no sense:

• A hand made promo cover that looks like someone let their three year old do it.

• No track listing on a burned CD.

• A CD mailed with candy. (Seriously, this happened to me. The candy sat in the office for three weeks labeled "sketchy".)

• A DVD containing a fluff piece arranged and produced by the band.

• Forty glossy fliers in a package with no music.

• Air in an envelope.

I can personally guarantee you that most of this crap never gets a second glance. Only the truly absurd even pops in on their radar and you really don't want to know what people say about this stuff. Ask me about "The Print Shirt Crew" sometime.

Give the People What They Want.
What anyone who spends a lot of time listening to demos really wants is an accessible format. They're not interested in clever packaging or a book of bio and promo material. Get to the point and give them what you're selling. Music.
Mailing CDs:

• Clearly labeled, burned CD with track listing and times.

• No extra material on the disc itself, no one is going to watch your video, no one will dig for hidden tracks.

• If it's a sampler and not a whole record, come on strong and don't let up. Put your best song first.

• If you want to include a bio sheet, make it one page, laser printed and without any flashy crap all over it.

• Don't expect this to be returned.

• Make sure it will survive the hell that is the postal service.

Internet media:

• Do not send obscure file formats. FLAC might be better, but not everyone will be willing to figure out how to play it.

• Send MP3s, 320k stereo with correct ID3 tags and album art in a single folder. If this is a language you don't speak, consult a geek.

• Send an email that is concise, short and well formatted. Do not fill the thing with ten thousand links or a hundred pictures.

• Feel free to send along links to your Myspace page, but make sure it's properly formatted. If your Glitter Bomb crashes my browser, you've lost my attention. Again, ask a geek.

Don't Be Pushy.
Now that you've gotten the music to the label it is your job to wait. Patience is essential at this point, it may take several weeks for someone to get around to listening to your work and harassing them about it will not endear you to them. As I said, a lot of indie labels are tiny and there are times when the two people who actually pay themselves to do this are simply far too busy to get around to the promo stack or the Inbox Monster. It is perfectly acceptable to send a follow up email or note after about two weeks to ensure that they received your package or email. At these times it is best to be polite, concise and professional. A simple "Did you get this?" is sufficient. For the love of all things holy, don't accuse someone of being a dick if they don't start slobbing on yours. It might be the most brilliant thing ever conceived and yes, it's gathering dust. Be patient grasshopper.

Prepare For Rejection.
The fact is, you're not going to get picked up by the first label you inquire with. You probably won't get picked up by the 15th. Keep working, keep pimping as hard as you possibly can. Send requests and demos to everyone you can think of. Send in a demo to a label you think you'd never have a chance in hell of getting on. Be bold but never obnoxious. Thank people for their time if they send you a rejection notice and listen to what they have to say. If a label that you thought you were perfect for rejects your demo based on some artistic differences, learn from the experience and try to find one that matches what you're up to. This is a long process but eventually you'll find a group of people in promotion and distribution that you really want to work with.

Indie music isn't a top down process, you'll be getting to know these people pretty well and working alongside them to achieve what you both want. They're not your boss, they're not your employees, they are your partners and if you treat them well in the query process it'll pay off down the road. Treat them like what they are, busy people who would love to listen to your band when they get a chance and they'll give it a fair shake.

Good luck finding your label!
Eriq Nelson.

Is your band suffering a complete meltdown? Awesome! Tell me all about it:
musicaletiquette@gmail.com

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Musical Etiquette: No, You Can't Join the Band.

Dear Musical Etiquette:
So, we've been looking for a new drummer for a while. We posted on Craigslist that we were looking and I'm starting to think it might have been a mistake. Every no talent assclown has shown up at our practice space looking to "get their break". This one dude in particular keeps responding with new email addresses and showing up with his half ass Wal-mart drum kit and refusing to leave. I can't take it anymore. What am I supposed to do about this?

XXXXX

I often caution about being a dick. In general it's a bad practice. It can leave you with a bad reputation and generally screw your life up before you even notice. This particular specimen, however, deserves being yelled at. If you've told him no repeatedly and he continues to show up, he's not being persistent, he's being a douche. The fact is, he's wasting your time and keeping you guys from being able to get back to what you're supposed to be doing. Which is playing music. Not dealing with douches.

Be Clear
Now I don't know the particulars of what you said to your terrible tryout but if there's one thing I know it's that clear communication can resolve a great number of problems before they even mature. If you're trying out a new drummer and he can't play what you need him to, tell him clearly. Let's look at some examples.

• "You're just not what we're looking for." This is weak language. There's no reason to spare people's feelings. If they can't cut it, they can't cut it. Be direct, be honest and try not to be mean.

• "Look, honestly man. Your bongo skills are very little use to our speed metal band." Better! Direct! Remember to be specific about the reasoning behind your decisions.

• "I just don't think you'll work out." No. That's too vague. Be SPECIFIC.

• "You've been playing drums for two weeks. I don't think you can keep up with us guy." Good, good. It's harsh but honest.

• "Uhhhh, you haven't been able to keep any beat all night. I think we're gonna pass." Perfect.

So you can see it's a good idea to be forthright with these people. If a drummer can't keep a rhythm, what are they doing there? Which leads me to my next point.

Record Everything
In almost every situation it's a good idea to record every practice. Those random plastered moments playing reggae covers of TV on the Radio songs might lead to some serious inspiration. You never know....
This is especially true when you're trying out new folks in the band as you can listen to the session afterwords and make a well informed decision. In the case of someone who really doesn't fit the sound at all or just can't hack what you're trying to play you can play it back for them and give them examples of what you're talking about.

Now, there's a real difference between someone who doesn't fit the style and someone who just plain sucks. It's about substance and style.

Style:

• A guitarist shows up with his nylon guitar to your thrash lead tryouts
• Mr. 1980's synth player wants to be in your retro-folk trio
• Bongo Bob wants in on your electro-pop project.
• The Prog-Metal Prodigy thinks he can play country.

Substance:

• The Noodler, a guitarist who can't resist soloing at inappropriate times.
• This bass player who doesn't own a bass.... ?
• A singer with really flat pipes. Flat like Florida. Flat like a table
• Bad rappers. Just really awful rappers. Oh gods, people can suck so bad at rap and not know it.

Differences always arise and the decision is yours to make. It's your band and if you don't want to play with someone it's your prerogative. I think as long as you're clear with people than you can't really be faulted for saying no. Some people just don't get though.

Leave Now Guy
I always see these parallels between dating and bands. This holds true when you're rejecting people. Some of them have been around for a while and take it all in stride. Some people will cry and whine and be extremely pathetic. Some people just get obsessed and keep signing up for new Hotmail addresses like some kind of V1A6ra spammer and won't leave you the fuck alone. Show up at your house without calling. Leave dead things on your doorstep. Don't let this turn into a news story. Nip it in the bud.

If they just don't get it you can always;

• File a restraining order: It might not be the rock and roll thing to do, but if it works for crazy ass exes, it'll work for these people.

• Yell: If it worked for your alcoholic stepfather, it'll work for you.

• Threaten them with some large blunt object: I always find that people respond well to the threat of immediate bodily harm. Sometimes the threat is all that's needed.

• Break an instrument over their heads: Of course, if they call your bluff; be prepared to cash that check you just wrote. A little time in lockup might stain your criminal history, but hey, one problem at a time.

• Hire Ninjas: You'd be surprised how many problems can be solved with the judicious application of these stealthy warriors.

• Hire Vikings: Not as subtle as the ninjas but just as effective. You may want to keep some gold on hand to pay them, though rare furs will do in a pinch.

• Punch Them In The Dick: Enough said.

Violence and yelling aren't often the solution to your problems, but in this instance I'd say a little measured aggression won't serve you wrong. Honestly, without using peoples genitals as punching bags or hiring ancient assassins to get the job done, being direct and honest with people will get the message across and hopefully spare you a recurring douche bag problem. If all else fails you, there's always a legal option. Or if you're me, you'll summon Demon Ninjas from Beyond to harass them at all times.

Legal Notice: Crappy Indie Music absolves itself of all responsibility for the use of this article up to and including the accidental punching of dicks, demonic possessions or hurt feelings.

Till next time!
Eriq Nelson

Musical quandaries? Awkward situations? Keep sending me those problems folks! musicaletiquette@gmail.com

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Musical Etiquette: At The Grocery Store

Dear Musical Etiquette:
I was walking through the grocery store the other day and ran into XXXX from XXXX shopping! I was so nervous, but I walked up and said hi anyway. I told him I was his biggest fan ever and gave him my demo CD. Good thing I keep some on me! He didn't really talk to me, he just sort of stared at the CD, said thanks and kept on walking. Did I do something wrong here? Why would he ignore me? I'm his biggest fan, I've been to like every show!

Help! XXXXX


The answer is yes, you did do something wrong. See, the thing is, your local celebrity is a human being. I know it's sometimes hard to see, but this guy just probably just wanted to get his grocery shopping done and go home. At the risk of sounding rude, I must inform that you're being annoying. You see, the grocery store is one of those times where he just gets to be normal and boring and to someone who spends a great deal of time on stage and under the lights, it's a great relief. You just shattered his illusion that he is just a normal guy, buying food and deodorant.

It's a Job
You must realize that being in a band is a job. It's true. His role in the band is what he does for a living, even if it's not a full time job. So walking up to him in the grocery store and slobbering all over him is akin to someone walking up to you and demanding a spreadsheet of your time clock entries, or being told to make a sandwich. He's not "on the clock" right now. Don't expect him to jump up and down and thank you profusely for interrupting him while he's trying to select the right breakfast cereal. A few brief words introducing yourself, a handshake and an appreciative compliment is sufficient. Please, don't give out demos for your band or try and set up a show here in the cereal isle. If you're really interested and you think you've got a good chance to work together, feel free to give them your card and leave them in peace.

Quit slobbering
Frankly, this sort of worshipful fawning over someone at the grocery store is demeaning to you and can be very uncomfortable to the person you're worshiping. If you're really trying to impress this person with your music, act like a human being. Granted, there are people who enjopy this kind of attention and they are hollow, insecure shells and you probably belong together. If you are convinced that they will enjoy this kind of attention then don't do it halfway. Have a chorus of singers behind you, offer burned sacrifices, light candles and chant, waft incense over their body as you sing their praises. I mean really do it up. Offer them your first born child, show off that tattoo you got of their first album cover artwork, read them that tear stained poem in your back pocket you wrote in the darkest hour of your life for them. Worship them wholly and fight the police when they show up.

Be People
If you really are interested in this person that you worship so much, talk to them about food. Share a recipe, comment on the quality of their selections, amuse them with an anecdote about what they're buying. You'd be surprised by their reaction to it. A great deal of "famous" people lose the opportunity to have honest dialogue with random people and it's nice for them to not worry about being that guy on stage. When you approach someone, remember that they are a stranger. No matter how much you think you know about that person from their songs, you really don't know this person at all.

OK, Now You're Good
There are good times to drop a CD in someone's hand, or pay them more than a passing compliment on their work. A musician that just got off stage, is signing CDs or posters or is at an industry event is more than open to hearing about how much their art inspires you, makes you cry or fills your enpty life with meaning. This is the time they put aside to hear this kind of thing and interact with their fans. It's not wise to take up too much of their time still, remember you're a stranger and you don't have the right. So just play it cool, say what you want to and move on.

Please don't be offended if their is a luke warm reaction to your demo or contact information. Successful musicians deal with hundreds of people every day and if you meet them after a really long day they might not be in the best of moods. Don't be pushy, don't be rude. Just remember that they're people too and they have lives that don't involve music. Let the man shop.

Till next time!
Eriq Nelson

Send me your inquiries and horror stories at musicaletiquette@gmail.com

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Musical Etiquette: Don't Touch My Guitar

Dear Musical Etiquette:

Can I play your guitar? Please? I'm wasted and I really want to rock out.

XXXXXX

There is no faster way to upset a musician than grabbing an instrument and playing it without permission. I am glad that you asked, but I must decline. You see, I don't know you and your breath smells like it could melt a hole in a battleship. I don't know what you're about to try and do with that guitar. Even if you posses skill, you might be inclined to play thrash metal and on my D'Addario Lights and you'll pop that low E in about ten minutes. You might want to fiddle with my amp settings and quite frankly, I'm not having it.

The answer is no. You most certainly may not touch my guitar.

You say "Eriq, aren't you being kind of an ass about this? In fact, you may very well be a dick! I'm shocked." Well, I can understand and appreciate your concern. I pride myself in avoiding all manner of douchery here at Musical Etiquette. In fact, I'm here mostly to ensure that you don't participate in any kind of Weak Shit. So please, dear readers, allow me a chance to elucidate the reasoning behind my position and rest assured that by the end of this post, you won't be offended by me breaking your wrist as you paw at my nylon guitar like a drunken frat boy searching for a bra hook.

Guitars Are Like Lovers

I am attached to my guitars in what can only be described as an emotionally unhealthy fashion. I probably spend more time with my guitars than any other thing in the world and in my own psychotic musician's mind, they have personalities. My Brownstone is a needy little thing, always requiring upkeep and falling in and out of tune at whim. My steel acoustic is a total trooper, tough and able like a single mom. She's been through the worst of it and it's come out sounding even better. My nylon acoustic is a classy lady, smooth and gentle. She needs a special touch and a gentle hand if she's gonna keep singing. I think most musicians get attached to their instruments like this after a while. So when you ask to play one of my ladies, please understand that it's like asking to borrow someones underwear. If you don't know me really, really well I'll probably give you an incredulous look.

It's In An Alternate Tuning For A Reason.

I enjoy alternate and open tunings a great deal. They enhance the creative options for composition and improvised performance considerably. So when you pick up my guitar and inform me that it is "totally out of tune dude", you are in fact, a babbling ass. It's actually tuned to open Dm. That's why it's in my room, next to a pile of theory books and scribbled notepaper. It's weird, I know. But it's my guitar and I tune it how I like it. If you attempt to re-tune this guitar, I will strike you in the head with a stack of half finished music. While on the subject of tuning I'd like to point out that;

If You Touch My Micro Tuners, I'll Break Your Goddamn Fingers

Your perception that my tuning is slightly flat may have something to do with the three pints of Jameson currently swimming in your gullet. I just spent two hours breaking this Floyd Rose bridge down, lubing up the sub-assemblies, stringing and tuning this puppy. In fact, if you include the time driving up to the store to get new strings, it's my entire night right there. I will personally guarantee that it's in tune. Micro tuners are a blessing and a curse. you get finer tuning control but it's far easier to knock a guitar out of tune whilst playing. And you, sir, are rather drunk.

Same Goes For My Amp settings.

Amplifiers are likewise a highly personal possession for guitar players. Like guitars, they require a degree of technical prowess and considerable experience with an individual amplifier to achieve the tone you're looking for. The one you just set your cigarette on, for example, is my recently purchased Fender Super Champ XD. I have presets from the last time I played set right there and you just destroyed about an hours worth of work getting the reverb settings right for a recording session that was to come tomorrow morning. Please, don't fiddle with amplifiers unless you know exactly what you're doing and you've discussed this with the owner. They are likely to get angry and, just as I am doing now and retrieve a pair of pliers from their toolbox to break your fingers with.

You Sound Terrible

If you're unfamiliar with an instrument (or have a toxic blood/alcohol ratio), the results of your clumsy and ill conceived performance may cause undue suffering in your audience. Please, for the sake of everyone here do not subject us to your shit-faced rendition of "All Along The Watchtower". If you are wholly unskilled, have some decency and practice your first three chords in your room. When I was first starting out I declined to play music for other people on many occasions. The assumption was that it had to do with stage fright, my ego or some inferiority complex. This is simply not the case. I don't like subjecting people to bad music and playing my off-time rendition of "Come As you Are" seemed like a really bad idea. Nowadays I decline the offer to play harmonica for much the same reason, I have only recently started practicing on it and have enough sense to practice where I won't disturb others.

So as you can see, I'm touchy about my guitars. The fact is that they require a lot of practice and a bit of raw talent to wield appropriately. The same can be said for broadswords. I wouldn't give you a broadsword right now given the probably fatal level of whisky flowing through your veins. You might cut yourself. Likewise your continued attempts to grab one of my guitars will end with lacerations. I hope that this has enlightened you to the reasons behind my decision and will keep you from requiring stitches the next time you meet a guitarist.

Good luck at the hospital!
Eriq Nelson.

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Musical Etiquette: The Subtle Art Of The Mixtape

Dear Musical Etiquette,
There's this guy at the gas station that I'm totally crushing on ! <3 He's sooooooo HAWT and I totally don't know what to do. My BFF sez I should make him a mixtape to let him know how I feel. Should I do this or is it way too creepy?

Thanks! XXXXXX


Mixtapes are a wonderful tradition. It gives you a chance to let someone know how you feel about them with music and it can be a very special gift to receive. It's also a great way to share your musical tastes with someone you've just started seeing without an awkward romp through your record collection. Making a mixtape can be a very rewarding experience or the source of a very frustrating late night worrying about the meaning of every song and laboring over every decision you make. Relax! You're more than capable of getting through this process, you're awesome, remember?

Like most things in life a little knowledge and experience can help guide you through the darkest corridors of the dating world. Let's start out with why you're making this mix. You want to convey your emotions clearly, letting the other person know that you like them, love them or are stalking them at work.Though the goal is bold and clear, the way to achieve it is a delicate and nuanced process. You want to sketch around the space where your emotions lay and let the recipient draw the picture. If you're stalking someone, it can achieve a level of creepiness unlike anything shy of being in their house when they get home. Mixtapes are not a tool for direct communication. If that is your goal, I may recommend the spoken and written word, it has served our ancestors well in conveying concepts directly.

Be Yourself
You are a wonderful person. Honestly if you're reading this post then you're already up in my book, you're seeking advice and being proactive! So when you're making this mixtape, I want you to express yourself as much as possible. Don't play to your beau's tastes too much. Obviously if your date only really listens to Jack Johnson and John Mayer you may want to avoid the Norwegian Black Metal tracks that remind you of them but don't choose songs solely on the basis of the other persons taste. It's OK to be different, why would you date someone that is identical to you in every way? Remember, this is a chance for them to learn more about you as well as an opportunity to express your emotions or be creepy as shit!

Don't Be A Cheap Bastard
You're not hollow are you? Then ensure that your gift has some meaning and depth to it. This is an expression of yourself, your tastes and emotions condensed into physical form not a recitation of someone else's idea of you. You may be using other people's art to express yourself but no one else can select and arrange these songs like you. Likewise the physical form of the mixtape should be a mirror of yourself. In an age of Amazon MP3 downloads and instant access to digital media, nothing says that you care like a hand made CD cover. If you prefer to use MP3s, I recommend a specially purchased USB drive that matches their tastes (a quick Google search should yield something suitable). An actual analog tape may be preferable depending on the person you're giving it to but be sure to check first, not everyone shares an obsession with archaic media. At no time is e-mailing a playlist acceptable, this is widely considered a Dick Move by experts in the field.

Balance Is Key
Keeping the mix balanced is very important. You don't want to bore them with a radio playlist and you shouldn't assume that they are interested in extremely esoteric music either. Filling a mix with Javanese Court Gamelan and Tibetan Throat Singing is appropriate for an exceptionally small fraction of the population. Likewise shuffling the track order of Britney Spears' discography might mean a better chance of recognition but shows a staggering lack of taste or care. The seriousness of the songs should keep an even balance, don't attempt to craft the greatest dramatically romantic soundtrack ever conceived but do not appear flippant and uncaring. The tempo of songs should vary as well. Mix upbeat tracks with mid-tempo and slower songs evenly without jarring the listener too harshly. Even the worst DJ in the world would balk at moving from Morphine into Yelle.

Order And Chaos
Figuring out the order of the playlist can take more time than anything else when crafting a proper mixtape. Each song is a sentence in this poem of your feelings and this is where many people get trapped. Often times the mixer is locked in their room at three in the morning, chain smoking and laboring over the placement of one song, rearranging the entire list 30 or 40 times before crying themselves to sleep in the dawn. Do not be this person! The way this plays out can be very important but remember that if you have balanced your selections out and picked out a good range of songs it can make up for many deficiencies in the arrangement of the tracks. There comes a point at which the mix is finished and it's time to let it rest. Learning the point at which this has come is the difference between a good mixtape and a legend.

Leave The Roses At Home
Romantic feelings are wonderful, they can have you flying high and smiling in one moment and digging through a stranger's garbage in the next. They are one of the largest sources of artistic creativity and expression there are. They can however be a little overwhelming if laid on too thickly. This of course depends on the situation. Making a mixtape for your spouse is a very different from a person you've been on three good dates with. Don't rush it! A mix of your favorite Whitney Houston epic love ballads is not the right thing to give that person you're just starting to stalk! You also don't want to shy away from songs that are honest about how you feel. This requires a considerable amount of good judgment, which many people lack. You're caught in the fog of hormones and emotions that cloud your judgment which is why you should:

Get An Editor
Let's face it. You're a wreck. If you're making mixtapes for a guy who you don't really know then you're probably in an unstable state and could use some advice. I can only help you so far from the Internet. What you really need is the advice of someone who knows you and the situation well to make sure you're not making a complete ass of yourself. Even the greatest mixtape artists in the world need to be checked and on occasion, checked into a psychiatric ward. Listen carefully to the advice of people who aren't completely awash in a sea of lust, they generally have clearer picture of the situation than you. For the more emotionally stable persons, I still recommend you have someone check your work and offer feedback, it can greatly improve your mixtape game.

I hope this helps you out, and keep the letters coming in!

Eriq Nelson.

Image: Awesome necklace from Maitreya at Craftog.

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Musical Etiquette: Dealing with haters

Hello Musical Etiquette:
I just read a review of our bands last show. The guy who wrote it is obviously some kind of asshole. He just went on and on about how lifeless we were on stage.
What should I do about this guy? He's ruining our reputation!

Help!
XXXXXX


Criticism is one of the most important parts of music. A well thought out critique of your music can be insightful and help to improve your abilities in almost every fashion. Sadly, many critics fail to realize the merits of criticism and instead say the most unspeakably vile and contemptuous things about your work without offering up any advice or real insight. Any publicly performing artist will deal with both of these types of criticism during their careers and it can be challenging to see the difference between them. At times even the most mean spirited critique of your art may be of a deep and abiding value if you can see the meaning underneath the words. Likewise high praise can be trite and meaningless if it does not contain real truth and an honest evaluation of the work. The line between a critic and a hater is very blurry sometimes but with some knowledge and patience, you can learn to tell the difference.

You're The One Who Stepped Out On Stage.
If you make art, you're going to have to deal with criticism. If you don't want to open yourself up to the rest of the world's opinions it's best to never play live, never release a recording and not let anyone hear what you're up to. The only way to stop people from expressing their opinions is to ensure that they never hear you in the first place. Well, that seems like a terrible idea to me. You want to be heard, why else are you making noise? Remember that you take personal responsibility for the act of stepping out on that stage and playing music. No one can force you to play. If you are unable or unwilling to listen to the unending stream of hate that humanity can generate at will, I suggest you find a less public pursuit.

Don't Be A Whiny Little Bitch!
Now that you've come here under the bright lights of the stage, please don't whine about how bright they are. I know how harsh it can be, but making music isn't for wimps. You need to develop a tough skin when you're looking at reviews of your work but remain open to real critique. Please, don't cry and moan about how hateful people can be, we all know. Responding to what you deem a hateful review in an equally juvenile manner can generate some seriously bad press and the fact is, you don't want to stoop to their level. The best thing to do is to give no credence to the babbling inane hatred of an unsophisticated reviewer. Ignore them, it's just noise. And please don't bitch about it. Bitching is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it won't get you anywhere.

There Are Haters Everywhere.
The truth of the matter is, there are a lot of opinionated people out there and some of them are world class assholes. They will pan your work as meaningless drivel, a waste of their time or an insult to the word music. They will hate on you night and day, at parties and at home, on the internet and in print. Haters will invent new words to describe just how awful you are at what you do. Some of these hateful bastards have jobs being Professional Haters with major media corporations and get paid quite well to shit on other people's dreams. Most of these assholes are just as mean spirited and spiteful in the rest of their lives and in all probability are miserable because of it. Take solace in the fact that most haters hate themselves as well and haven't experienced joy in many years.


Sometimes The Haters Are Right, Sometimes They're Just Haters.
The primary difference between a hater an a critic is in intent and delivery. A reviewer may describe a live show as "An utter failure to be alive on stage, it was like watching zombies fuck to the tune of early 90's shoegaze." So is this being a hater or a critic? It's about context. If you and your band mates lack any kind of real stage presence than it may be a valid critique of your performance. True, it's couched in negative language and could be construed as mean spirited but if it's true, it's true. There might be nicer ways of saying it but no one is obligated to be nice. Real hate can do better than that. "A useless waste of my fucking time, I have never seen a band suck that hard on stage." What's really useless is an insult without insight. What can a band gain from this statement? Nothing, this guy is just a Grade A Dickwad.

Be Your Own Best Critic.
The key in many situations is to be able to see the difference between useless hate and honest feedback and attempt a objective view on what you've achieved or failed to achieve. This can be exceedingly difficult given the fundamentally personal and emotional nature of art and requires considerable experience and hard work. If you are truly interested in improving on your music, you must learn to become your own critic. Spend some time each day listening to what you've done as an outsider. Imagine that you've never heard this piece before and listen to it with a fresh mind. I've found that leaving several days between the writing of a new song and listening to it can do wonders for your perspective. Once you've gained some experience in critiquing your own work it becomes easier to separate the haters from the critics.

Pay Attention To Real Critique.

Not everyone is a hater. There are plenty of people that craft meaningful an insightful reviews of music, live and recorded. These are true critics. They might not always like what you're doing musically but they can express the reasons behind their opinion clearly. It is an art form. It is said that critics are all failed musicians. This is simply not true. Haters are failed musicians. A true critic is the most successful kind of artist. One who has a direct line to their feelings and can express them lucidly and with the intention of improving a fellow musicians work. One's success as an artist cannot be measured in dollars or listeners. It is measured in your ability to express emotions directly to your audience and to some extent your technical ability. This holds true for music criticism as well.

Keep those haters where they belong kids. In the trash.
Eriq Nelson.

Drop me a line at musicaletiquette@gmail.com

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Musical Etiquette: Dinner Music

Dear Musical Etiquette:

Recently I was invited to a semi-formal dinner party by a co-worker. Everything went off without a hitch but the music he played was too loud and abrasive. How do I let him know that it wasn't appropriate? What kind of music should I recommend?

Signed, XXXXXX

Critiquing a host's dinner music is a delicate situation. Often times your host has put a considerable amount of time into the selection of music for the evening. As we know all too well, the correct music is as important a part of the atmosphere as the place setting, the lighting and the food itself. If you find that your dinner host has selected music that does not fit the atmosphere of the party, and you know your host quite well, then it is best to mention it discretely when the opportunity arises. In the case of an unfamiliar host or a formal dinner party, the thank-you note is considered the polite way of voicing your concerns.

A well written thank-you note can do wonders for your social standing. There are a few things to keep in mind. You are a guest, so it is upon you to thank your host for their time and effort. It is also upon you to not waste their time. A thank-you not should be short without being terse and as formal as the situation demands. Any criticisms of the party should be mild and couched in pleasantries. I have included a letter from a recent dinner with an acquaintance to guide your hand should the demand arise.

Mr. XXXXXX,

I'd first like to extend my thanks to you and your wife for inviting me to your dinner party last weekend. Rarely am i presented with such excellent company and stellar food at the same time. The orange glaze on the duck made every sense I posses dance with such fervor that I find myself reliving the experience over and over in my mind even now. The ethereal beauty of the table setting and your lovely abode likewise remain etched forevermore in my mind. Bravo to you and yours good sir, Bravo indeed.

There is, however, a small matter that may be worth your attention. Now I think we all like Too Short, he is an MC of unparalleled skill and wit. I did find it difficult to discuss the easement of import restrictions with the Minister of Foreign Affairs while the stereo was bumpin' and I'm not certain that a litany of sexual references are appropriate for hors d'oeuvres. In much the same way I did not find your blend of Deicide, Animal Collective, Wagner and Brittany Spears for the main course to be in sync with the airy and light ambiance of the party. Perhaps Enoch Light, Terry Snyder or a collection Satie piano pieces would complement your next dinner party better. I would have mentioned it at the time, but I did not wish to seem an ungrateful guest.

It is a small matter, of course, I would be delighted to attend any future gatherings you host and look forward to our continuing acquaintance.

Sincerely,

Eriq Nelson

I hope this advice sees you through the difficult act of critiquing a hosts dinner music. If you need to make recommendations, remember to keep them light and common. Dinner music is a background, it should not challenge the ear. The excitement should come from conversation and food and serve to complement them both rather than drown them out.

Until we meet again,
Eriq Nelson

Questions about Musical Etiquette? Send me your quandaries at musicaletiquette@gmail.com

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Musical Etiquette: The First Date And The Music Collection

If you have a serious music habit, chances are you met your date at a record store, music shop or show. This makes it hard not to talk about music on the first date, since for all you can tell, it's the only thing you've got in common; except a shared desire to be in an awkward situation with a total stranger. It's OK, you can talk about music, just keep this advice in mind when sitting down in front of that record crate or scrolling through that iPod for the first time.

1. Try to find some similarities in your tastes:

Everyone has a few things in common, even it's the fact that you both eat food and walk on two feet. It's even easier with music! If you met your date at a show, talk about the band you saw! If it was a record store, make sure you remember what they bought and just talk about that. C'mon, you can do it!

2. Never make this face. Ever.

For any reason. Seriously... date over.


3. People will disguise their favorite artist.

It might be the fifth record, or the third or any record at all. Often people disguise their favorite tracks as 'just another song' to gauge your reaction. I know what you're thinking; "How unfair, why wouldn't they just tell me?". Well, if they tell you it's their favorite then you're more inclined to just tell them what they want to hear. Be prepared for this! Offer your honest opinion at all times but tread lightly.

4. Vinyl People are Insane

Just let them handle the records, it's Extremely Important to them and they don't know you well enough to trust you yet. There are plenty of people who will jump into bed with you in a heartbeat but won't let someone they've dated for five years put on a record without them in the room. It's alright, most of these people have an incredible record collection and love to talk about it.

5. It's alright to be ignorant.

The truth is, you can't know everything about music. I know, I've tried. Unless your date demands some heroic feat of memory and information consumption it's perfectly acceptable to be slightly ignorant of a record. In fact, it can do a great deal towards getting your dates attention. It's good to feel knowledgeable and important, and you want your date to feel good about themselves and by extension feel good about you. Be sure to listen to what they have to say about that band!

So get out there killer, enjoy your first date and try not to make an ass of yourself! Remember not to come on too strong though. If your date isn't into calypso then don't push! Music is an intensely personal thing and people all have different rates at which they're comfortable progressing a relationship. If you're meant for each other you'll be doing the limbo down lover's lane and swapping mixtapes in the moonlight in no time.

Till next time,
Eriq Nelson

Questions about Musical Etiquette? Send me your quandaries at musicaletiquette@gmail.com

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Musical Etiquette: At The Party

So you've been invited to a party? Good for you, you're popular! These are generally entertaining events where people mingle, dance, discuss their interests and attempt to sleep with one anothers exes. If you're at the right party you may even see blood-alcohol experiments performed live and/or copious drug use! But don't let that discourage you, parties are a great way to meet new people and have stimulating conversations about your interests.

Music is a wonderful topic to break the ice, entertain a group of people and showcase your sparkling wit. After all, you're popular! You need to be sure that people remember you at the end of the night. Knowing the song that the host has put on can make you appear "hip", "with it" and "cool". But be careful! Go too far into your musical knowledge and you'll be labeled as The Giant Music Snob. Lucky for you, I've got some good advice to keep you looking good and the party flowing.

1. Don't Bore People.

Here's a quick way to tell if you've slipped over the edge of good taste. See the glazed expression in the eyes? The slack jaw? This girl is no longer interested in you because you can't shut up about Obscure Band #1's Japanese release limited edition promo only 45 B-side live acoustic cover of Obscure Band #2's best song from their unreleased 4-track demo.

If you see this look on a fellow partygoer's face, you've been going on way too long. Try changing the topic, or asking a question and listening instead of waiting for your turn to speak. See what happens!

See, look at her now.

Keep this in mind; even if you know more about an obscure band than anyone else in the room, they don't care. You'll meet people who share your passion at times, the key is to recognize them. Musicians generally listen to far more music than other types so feel free to test the waters about how long they'll talk. Of course, they may have dates with them that aren't into it or friends in the group who don't share your interests. Play it by ear and watch their eyes, you'll do fine.

So now you know when to stop! It's an important lesson. Are you ready for your next one? Good.

2. Don't Be An Asshole.

Everyone is, on occasion, a total asshole. It's a sad fact of life but the frequency can be minimized with some basic guidelines. First realize that music is subjective. It is a very personal decision as to whether or not a record can be counted as "Good" or "The Worst Shit I've Ever Heard In My Life". People can be rather testy about their tastes and I've found it best to avoid absolute statements when discussing music with people I don't know well. You don't know the people at the party very well? That's good! Parties are about meeting new people and vomiting on them! Let's look at a couple ways of telling someone what you think of the song that's playing.

"I've heard this before. I don't really care for it that much."

"WHAT IS THIS SHIT?"

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D INSULT THE EXISTENCE OF EARS BY PLAYING THIS!"

Which of these people would you want to talk to? If you picked the second or third one, you may be masochistic and this blog cannot help you. Please seek professional help. Did you pick the first one? Good! He is exhibiting the appropriate response to someone elses taste in music. The truth of it is that you can always find someone whose tastes in music will offend you, or vice-versa. There is a price to be paid for the variety in the world, you will always find things you do not like.

3. Stick to "I" Statements.

What's an "I" statement you ask? It's simple. I'll give you some examples.

Bad: Morrisey's last two records are fucking terrible.
Good: I think the last two Morrisey albums were fucking terrible.

Bad: The Killers? Why the fuck would you waste your time?
Good: The Killers? They're alright, but have you heard of Interpol? I think they're far better.

Bad: The artwork for this album makes your eyes bleed for two weeks.
Good: The artwork for this album made my eyes bleed for two weeks. My doctor said he had't seen anything like it since the 80's.

You see, the second one is a tricky one. The speaker has managed to do two things at once, Not Be An Asshole and Stick To "I" Statements at the same time. Once you've done it for a while, it will be second nature. To be quite frank if you don't hold a degree in music and aren't prepared to explain yourself in very technical terms you're probably not able to make an objective statement about the quality of a record or band. It's a safe bet to talk in the first person; you may find yourself at a party with the guy who produced that album you just trashed. Wouldn't that be embarrassing?

4. Have A Good Time!

Well that's why you're at the party! Keep the smiling up, don't bring everyone around you down with a thirty minute rant about how much you hate some band or another. Once again, no one cares. Be sure to find something nice to say about the host's music choices. You never have to come back to this party anyway. Just smile and nod. You'd be surprised how popular you can get just by smiling and nodding at questions! In any case it won't hurt you to be nice, no matter what you may think.

Talking about music at parties is something that takes practice, skill and a little bit of luck but keeping these simple things in mind can make the experience enjoyable for everyone at the party. You'll be sure to come across as "cool", without sounding like A Giant Music Snob.

Until next time,
Eriq Nelson

Questions about Musical Etiquette? Send me your quandaries at musicaletiquette@gmail.com

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Musical Etiquette: Quitting The Band

Playing in a band is an exciting adventure at times. You can see the backs of a thousand shitty dives up and down the coast, learn more about the inner working of cargo vans than you ever thought possible and find out just how long you can go without a shower. You'll learn new meanings for the word "drama", find out just how much money can be sunk into studio time and equipment you don't need. There's playing music sometimes, and that's nice.

Being in a band is like having an intimate relationship with a whole group of people at the same time. There's passion and heartbreak, fights and passive-aggressive notes being left, smiles and laughing and sometimes things just fall apart completely. Breaking up with someone you're seeing is hard but breaking up with your band is harder, you have to split up with a whole bunch of people at the same time.

Bands fall apart for all kinds of reasons, these are just a few:


Clashing styles:

• You're a tango accordion player in a mathy hardcore band.

• The drummer is convinced that 7/3/16 is the only tempo for dance music.

• You wanted to play in a punk band and you find yourself covering the Lord Of The Rings score on modified Gameboys.

Pure boredom:

• It's 2009 and the lead guitarist thinks that Oasis covers are still your best material.

• You've been practicing regularly for three years and you've almost finished your first song.

• The set list you wrote up in high school is still taped to your pedalboard because it's never been updated. You're now 47 years old.

Personality Conflicts:

• You're a conservative Christian in a Satanic black metal band.

• No matter what you say about lyrics, you're always wrong.

• You've been shot at, more than once, during arguments with the bass player.

Crazy Motherfuckers:

• Your drummer recently changed his name to "Sir Pants" and has taken to carving his initials on people in the band with flatware.

• Animal sacrifice has become a regular part of the practice routine in your pop act.

• There are three dogs that have been added as "Band Managers" to your lineup. You've never seen these dogs before.

Drug use:

• The needles littering the practice space are so thick you need armored boots to walk through it. So do the dogs.

• Your band mates are injecting Drano into their veins. Drug use is one thing, but come on people. That's not even a drug.

• Every piece of equipment you own has been freebased by the rest of the band.

As you can see, it's time to quit the band. There are good and bad ways to quit a band. You can force the issue and get kicked out! It's a bad way to get out of the situation but if you never want to speak to these people ever again it can be very effective. Now I don't recommend it, but punching everyone in the face will generally see you out the door of the practice space with a minimum of discussion. Other ways to get booted include stabbing a band member in the head, pawning all the gear, deleting the bands Myspace page, getting drunk and burning down the practice space or having sex with every single member's beau in a giant orgy.

Less extreme ways of quitting, but still bad include quitting by Myspace, Facebook, text message, phone or e-mail. Honestly, it's a dick move and it will leave a lot of bad feelings behind. It's far better to be face to face and be honest with the other folks in the group. I recommend inviting everyone to a dinner, a bar or your house to discuss the issues. Be calm and honest, tell everyone exactly why you need to go and please, don't cry. If you're unsure of your reasons or you're not completely convinced that you need to leave then you need to rethink why you're here in the first place. Don't use leaving the band as an attention getting mechanism or as the only way you can talk about tough issues that arise.

Yelling at your band mates won't help the situation at all. Give them your reasons for leaving and be very clear about what led you to this decision. If there is commonly owned equipment or financial issues to be resolved, leave that for a later time. It's a tough situation and it requires dealing with some very angry emotions but if you ever want to patch it up later or interact with these musicians on a social level on it's best not to leave them standing in a pile of shitty feelings and broken equipment.

Thanks for listening!
Eriq Nelson

Questions about Musical Etiquette? Send me your quandaries at musicaletiquette@gmail.com

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